Dealing with Hyper-Masculinity

Honeydew Intimates Heather Thong.JPG

Wearing: Heather Thong by Honeydew Intimates

Me, trying to understand the thought process of toxic men.

Now, I can't speak for ALL women. But I'm going to make an assumption that most of us have dealt with a hyper-masculine dude once or twice in our lives. The kind of male who parades around like his shit don't stank treating others, particularly women, how they see fit. With no regards (nor care) to how their behavior affects others. Basically, a major fucking eye roll.

When I started this blog, I intended to create a place for FEMALES ONLY. A place where we can come together and talk about lingerie, our bodies, sex, and emotions in peace. Discovering ways how we want to present ourselves both sexually and non-sexually. Avoiding the outside pressure of men and our SO's. However, through this journey, I'm finding that in certain aspects of the blog exclusion is a bad thing. Just maybe, we can help open the eyes to assholes out there and inspire them to do better. Wishful thinking, right?

Got a story.

Since moving to London, I've had zero Internet. Actually, that's a lie. I had it for a brief 24-hours before trading in the Shoebox for the Fenthouse. But most days I trek over to said coffee shop drinking ungodly amounts of cappuccinos, just for WiFi. Coming here six days a week will make you friendly with the staff. Quickly becoming a regular. There was even a point where they would start making my order as soon as I walked through the door.

It was nice, for a brief moment.

There was a point in time when the friendliness crossed a line. Not just a small line. More like five lanes of traffic by one of the managers.

When giving me my coffee he'd touch my hand.

Ask for my number 29582 times a day.

He even disclosed information on an investigation that was happening within the company. (Out of respect to how the company has dealt with my situation, I won't go into further detail).

Asked me on a few dates.

Mind you, this whole time he had a girlfriend who he proceeded to call crazy on more than one occasion.

And the best, "they can't fire me because we're understaffed here."

LADIES: if at any point a man calls his ex-girlfriend crazy before you two start dating. Nine times out of ten it’s a sign that he never respected the relationship or her feelings.

You could tell he was young. Far too young to be trusted managing other individuals, if you ask me. But then again, that's not my call. I had no issues calling out his inappropriate behavior to his face. Thinking maybe he'd get the hint and learn. Trying to play it off that he was just young & dumb.

The other day I came in like I do almost every day, ordered the same two drinks, sitting in my spot. Business as usual. As I sat waiting for my order to be completed, I started chit chatting with one of the other employees. Getting to know him and his journey through the company. He had informed me he was actually the Regional Manager. Cool, right? Well, the store manager didn't exactly like the attention I was giving out to someone other than him. Or that's what it seemed like. Because his attitude towards me completely shifted after that conversation. Becoming passive, rude and obnoxious. As if I had done something terribly wrong. Asking him what was the matter must have pinched a nerve, seeing he called me annoying after that.

Hmmm. Red Flag number....?

I avoided the place for a few days, hoping the whole thing would blow over. Maybe, just maybe, he'd realize he was out of line and apologize.

Nope.

Total opposite. His actions became more spiteful towards me (which was SO stupid on his part because his boss was watching the whole thing go down).

Right before his shift ended he was told to apologize to me. So, he walked over to where I was sitting. Plopped on down next to me, aggressively demanding that we chat. At this point, I am laughing. Because obviously, the whole thing is orchestrated and insincere. Of course, he had zero intentions of talking it out or even listening to me. Nah. He'd rather shove his opinion down my throat and never return. The problem he faced was I had already contacted the head office explaining what had happened. When I enlightened him on this little detail, his response was gold: "you're a disgusting human being."

Literally, I can't make this shit up.

But, remind me again why I am so terrible? Because I didn't fall into your toxic antics? That I stood up to your treatment versus caving in? That I called you out? All because...I chatted with another employee, aka his boss? Or at least that's how I perceived it.

So how do you deal with a bro like this? One, who genuinely believes he holds the power within the situation? Well, I went directly to the head office of the company to send a formal complaint. Guess what, I wasn't the first complaint against him. There were loads of complaints from other customers and even employees. Let's just say, he's no longer at this location.

Now, I know not every man is like this. Just as every girl is not innocent. But come-fucking-on. This is such a common experience for most women. We're told we need to accept the toxic hyper-masculinity, but God forbid we get emotional during our periods? Or get outraged by unwanted touching? Or ignore over sexualized comments?

But women who push back are in the wrong, right?

You have to remember that you are not in control of his behavior. But you can control the way you react. I genuinely tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, offering many opportunities to apologize. He chose a different route, to continue being aggressive and rude. And I decided to say something. We are in different times, women are done accepting shitty behavior by asshole men.

Melissa Cherniss