Accepting My New Body After Gaining 30lbs
You know, I am not even sure where to even begin with this post. It’s not exactly easy opening up about weight gain. Especially, living in a culture that idolizes pretty faces, fit bodies, and will solely judge you based on your physical appearance. To be totally honest here, I’ve been in denial about the whole situation too. Like, I still think I can fit into my skinny shorts, acting totally confused when the waistband wouldn’t budge past my knees. Absolutely convinced elves came into my closet late into the night only to tamper with the sizing. Not taking responsibility for the endless cheat days filled with jumbo cotton candy milkshakes. It's like that scene from Mean Girls, where Regina George has to admit that sweats are the only thing that will fit her ass. Literally, same predicament. Denial is easy. Without it, I’d have to accept all my hard work of HIIT classes, and kale salads were for absolutely nothing. However, it’s time to face the facts head-on. It’s like that saying that eventually, the truth will come out. My “truth” just so happens to be I’ve somehow managed to gain an extra thirty pounds in a span of eight months.
Now before we go any further into this post; I would like to clearly state that there is absolutely nothing wrong with gaining weight. If that is what makes you healthy and beautiful, fuck what anyone else has to say.
But who listens to their own advice, right? Or maybe it’s about fucking time I took my own advice and practice what I preach.
So, I decided to be a little morbid by featuring this photo. Partially because I am one of those asshole grudge holders, who can’t let certain shit go. Also, it represents the first time I had been publicly humiliated based on my physical appearance. What you don’t see photographed is the endless preparation to make this photo come to life. The endless amount of text messages and phone calls to friends & family seeing if they could help a girl out. Begging for an hour of their time so I could post my Festival Looks up on the blog. When everyone became wishy-washy on their time, I decided to take manners into my own hands. I did the entire photoshoot myself. In many ways, it was empowering to take full control over the creative process. I played around with different angles, poses, lightening having the time of my life.
Instagram, however, had a different perspective:
-You Look Huge
or my very favorite that I later went to delete “You Look Like a Whale”
Were some of the few that I remember clearly before I began deleting the rest. Because who really needs that kind of negativity in their life?! Should I include the fact, these comments came from “men” with private profiles. I say “men” lightly, because do we ever know who is behind the screen?
The reality of my situation meant I could react in one of two ways. One, rolling my eyes and continuing to do my own thing. Two, go boo-hoo in the corner wondering why the world is out to get me. Truthfully, I did a little bit of both. Rolled my eyes so hard they began to cry.
But I really wondered, WHY DID I CARE SO MUCH WHAT OTHER PEOPLE WERE SAYING?! Technically, it’s none of my business what other people think of me. So, I decided to do a little digging into my personal life to figure out what was triggering me to give a shit about these strangers opinions. The digging, however, led to a hole that quickly leads to all the major issues I was facing.
So how does one cope and accept their new body image after such drastic changes?
A lot of fucking practice. I’d be lying if I told you it’s a walk in the park. Every day is different. Some days I wake up excited to go through this journey, again. Some mornings I wake up wondering why I let this happen to myself, again.
But these are the few steps I’ve taken in order to continue on with my journey:
Probably the hardest step in my opinion, when you let go of denial and check-in to reality. Unfortunately, there are no re-do buttons, or an eraser to smooth out those curves that don’t tickle your fancy. You’ve just got to accept your current situation for what it is. But most importantly remember that nothing in life is permanent.
This part can seem a little silly. But I’ve found that it helps relieve the stress of “I shouldn’t have had that extra slice of pizza and Betty’s housewarming party.” It’s more like: "well that happened" and it’s okay, so how do we move forward?
Carry-On or Make Changes
At this point, you have two options: carry-on with whatever it is that you’re doing. Or you make the changes needed to get to where you want to be. Now, the only person who can make this choice is yourself. Not your partner, BFF, sister, parent… just YOU. In the end, you need to be comfortable living your life with the person you are in a body that you believe is beautiful.
Take me for a moment:
Eventually, I had to come to terms with the fact I was no longer a size 4/6. And even though that was a hard pill to swallow I did forgive myself for the neverending consumption of nachos, guac, and milkshakes. Guess I had the opposite idea for a "revenge body." Then, I took inventory of my life and figured out what was missing. My workout component, CrossFit, was brushed off to the side. I also realize I had stopped my weekly nights out dancing (which will add a bunch of steps to a girls day. Add a heel, and it's literally the recipe to a perfect butt). So, I felt for the benefit of my wellbeing those things needed to come back into my life.
Always be precisely who you are and the person you want to be. It doesn’t matter if you’re crazy, impulsive and adventurous or calm, decisive, and routine oriented. Follow whatever it is that makes your heart sing. And never-ever change for anyone.
Coping after a weight gain is never easy, in fact, it’s pretty tricky. But it’s important to understand that nothing in life is permanent. And if you want to make the changes to get to where you want to go, the only thing that’s stopping you is you.